Characters: New Directions + Will Schuester
WARNINGS: Talk about depression and suicide.
Spoilers: 3x14, “On My Way”
Summary: Based on this prompt at the Glee angst meme (x)
She’s half surprised to find tears in her eyes, “When I sing, It’s like I’m opening my heart up and sharing it with the world. It’s something I just can’t do with my own, plain words.”
A/N: I don’t usually ever take prompts, but this wouldn’t get out of my head. And it’s meant to be for me, privately. But just in case I ever do show someone.
“If I ever lost my voice…”
A few of the kids roll their eyes and Santana scoffs loudly.
“It’s not what you think.” Rachel’s voice is timid, she’s looking down at her hands, folded together in her lap.
“Go on, Rachel.” Mr. Schue nods, giving Santana a hard glare.
“It’s just, I know what you all think of me. You think if I couldn’t sing on Broadway, if I couldn’t make my dreams come true I’d become terribly depressed and take my own life. And while I agree, it’s something I’ve thought of flippantly, something that would make for a good autobiography chapter… but this is hardly the time for that.”
She looks up briefly, glancing to Kurt, then Blaine, and finally Finn. He’s got that look on his face, where he doesn’t exactly know what she’s talking about, but he knows it means a lot to her, so he keeps listening; it gives her the strength to keep talking.
“I’m not very good at expressing myself normally. I have no problems telling people what to do or what I want, but I’m selfish and harsh, I don’t put all my thoughts into words well. I do care about other peoples feelings, I just don’t know how to say it.” She takes a deep breath.
“Singing, for me, is the best way I know how to get my thoughts and feelings out. I feel it’s the only way I can communicate properly with people. If I lost my voice… it’s got nothing to do with Broadway or how much talent I have, or even about my future…”
She’s half surprised to find tears in her eyes, “When I sing, It’s like I’m opening my heart up and sharing it with the world. It’s something I just can’t do with my own, plain words. Honestly, I’m never happier than when I’m singing, whether it’s on stage or in the shower. I would be devastated if I lost that ability.”
She’s staring down at her knees, tears falling freely, when she feels Finn’s fingers nudge hers, maneuver themselves around and between her own. He squeezes her hand, and the look in his eyes speaks volumes.
“Thank you for sharing that with us Rachel. I’m so proud of you, we all are.” Mr. Schuester’s voice breaks through Finn’s gaze, and she looks up, looking around to her fellow glee members.
And it’s true. They are proud of her, she can see it.
Mercedes and Kurt smiling at her, tears in their eyes, like they always knew that this sincere piece of her was there, just hidden under piles of nerve and ambition. The boys, Puck, Artie, Sam, Rory and Mike, seeing her as if for the first time. Santana looks floored, her mouth gaping. Blaine, nodding with a slight smile on his face, like he knows exactly what she’s talking about.
“I had no idea there was a real person in there Berry, I’m impressed.” Coming from Santana, that’s a compliment.
Rachel feels her heart swell, and can’t help the bright grin that flashes across her face, finally she let her guard down, laid it all on the line, and it felt amazing.