A/N: This came out of nowhere, but it needed to be written. I feel a lot better now. That’s the whole point, isn’t it?
Kurt parked his car in the driveway and sat there, chewing his lip nervously. He’d never exactly done this before. He knows Blaine struggles with depression, but he was never aware just how bad it got sometimes, until Cooper came along.
Yes, Cooper was loud and slightly obnoxious and a little bit oblivious sometimes, but if there’s one thing Kurt learned about him, it’s that he really, genuinely cares about Blaine. Cooper had contacted Kurt after the Senior Ditch Day and asked to talk to him. They went out for coffee and had a long, rather enlightening conversation.
Kurt found out that day just how bad Blaine’s depression was sometimes, and honestly, Kurt was shocked. Now that he knows what to look for, since Cooper’s told him the signs, Kurt can see it coming. Sometimes Blaine will just stop. There will be days when he doesn’t answer texts, calls, or emails, doesn’t talk to anyone or do anything and cancels all his plans. Blaine tells him he’s not feeling well.
Kurt knows what that means. Especially now, because he knows what Blaine is like when he’s actually sick. He complains and wants to cuddle. When Blaine’s depressed he cuts himself off from everyone, even Cooper.
This has happened five times since their relationship started. Three before Kurt talked to Cooper and twice since. Kurt thinks maybe this happened a couple times before they were together too, but he can’t quite remember. But it’s never been this bad, he thinks, he always calls ahead and cancels plans, or at least texts. He’s never purposely ignored calls before.
He worries if maybe this is one of those bad times that Cooper told him about. He conjures up so many scenarios in his head, he starts to feel sick. No, I need to stop this, he thinks, just take Cooper’s advice and go in there. Try to help him if you can. He’s not dead. He’s not, he’s most likely just sleeping. He needs you, so man up.
Kurt takes a deep breath, and gets out of the car. He finds the spare key under the rock, hidden in the soil, just where Cooper had said it would be. As he unlocks the door to his boyfriend’s house, he wishes Cooper could be here to help him with this.
The house is quiet, and Kurt can’t help but feel like an intruder. He closes the door softly behind him and calls Blaine’s name softly. He doesn’t get a response, so he tries again, a little louder, but nothing. He wanders into the kitchen, but finds nothing of interest, it’s spotlessly clean, as always. He must be in his room, he thinks, and heads up the stairs.
He stops outside of Blaine’s closed door, he hears music playing softly in the background, but doesn’t recognize it. He listens hard, but doesn’t hear any movement from Blaine. He knocks softly, but gets nothing. Anxiety claws at his heart and this feels so wrong, but what else can he do? He turns the doorknob and pushes open the door.
He wrinkles his nose a bit at the smell. It’s not terrible, it’s just, stuffy. It smells like when you’ve been sick in bed for a few days on a cold winter’s day. The room is dark, the bright sunshine from outside trying to creep in through the blinds, but not getting very far. There are a few cups on the nightstand, half full of water, and a bottle of tylenol with them. Balled up tissues strewn across the floor, some of them trying for the garbage can in the corner, others not even close, as if he stopped caring and just dropped them off the bed.
And there was Blaine, wrapped up in two different blankets, his head buried in a mountain of pillows, asleep. Kurt smiled slightly with a sigh of relief, at least he was safe.
“Blaine?” he called, softly.
Blaine gave a little moan, burying himself further into the pillows.
Kurt frowned, about to walk over towards the bed when he spotted Blaine’s phone lying on the floor next to his desk. He picked it up and saw a scuff on the side, Did he throw this? Why would he do that… Kurt hit the button on the side and it flashed eleven missed alerts. He sighed, and put the phone down on the desk, finally making his way to Blaine’s bed.
He sat near the edge, and tried once more to wake him, “Blaine? Hey, Blaine, can you wake up for me? I wanna talk to you,” he placed a hand on Blaine’s shoulder and shook it lightly.
“Go ‘way,” Blaine mumbled into his pillows, “Dun wanna talk anymore Cooper,”
Kurt frowned, he must still be half asleep. He moved his hand from Blaine’s shoulder to his hair, carding his fingers through it, “Come on Blaine, it’s me, Kurt. I need you to wake up now,”
When Blaine finally rolls over, Kurt smooths his hair out of his face, and his heart skips a beat. Blaine’s pale, too pale, and it makes Kurt’s stomach uneasy. “Blaine, honey, open your eyes for me,”
Blaine’s eyes snap open and he looks up at Kurt, confused and unfocused, before pulling back, fighting with the blankets to maneuver himself into a sitting position, “Kurt, what. Why are you here? How did you get here?”
Kurt’s heartbroken by the fear in Blaine’s eyes, he can almost hear his boyfriend’s heart pounding a hundred miles a minute in his chest. “Blaine, calm down, okay? You didn’t answer any of my calls, so I’m here to check up on you.” He reaches for Blaine’s hand, but Blaine yanks his away, cradling it to his chest.
“Kurt, you can’t, you can’t be here,” Blaine stutters, tripping over his words as he tries to push them out too fast, “You can’t, I’m not, I’m… stop it,”
Kurt’s eyes widen as he takes in the picture of Blaine, about to have a complete breakdown. “Hey, hey, hey, Blaine, calm down, breathe, okay? Just breathe. Everything’s fine. It’s okay, I’m allowed to be here. I’m here for you, it’s okay,”
“It’s not okay! You can’t see me like this, you can’t, this wasn’t supposed to happen, I never meant for it- I didn’t mean to be like this, I don’t want you to see this,” Blaine chokes out.
“Shh, Blaine, don’t cry. You don’t have to cry, I swear it’s okay,” Kurt crawls over to Blaine on the bed, wraps his arms around him, lays Blaine’s head on his shoulder and hugs him tight.
Blaine cries harder than Kurt’s ever seen him cry before, gasping and sobbing and apologizing, it breaks Kurt’s heart.
Blaine’s grip tightens on Kurt’s shirt, “You should leave,” he gasps, “You should leave me,”
Kurt startles, shocked at the words leaving Blaine’s lips. He tries to pull back, to look at Blaine, but Blaine’s clinging to him like he’s the only thing keeping him here, and maybe that’s true. He finally pries Blaine’s hands from his shirt, and holds him by the shoulders, looking at Blaine with tears in his eyes.
Blaine just sobs, head lowered, trying to curl into himself. “Blaine, look at me. Why would you say that, why would you even suggest that? Blaine!”
Blaine looks up at Kurt for a moment, eyes falling back to his lap, his arms gripping his own knees, “You should leave me, because you don’t deserve this.”
“What? What are you talking about?” At this point Kurt’s completely lost, Blaine’s not making any sense, and he’s still trying to speak through his ragged breaths and choked sobs.
“You never, you didn’t ask for any of this. I should have warned you, I should have known better than to think this would work. You shouldn’t have to deal with me like this, it’s not fair, and you just, you never asked for this…” Blaine trails off, “I’m sorry, Kurt,”
“Blaine, you have nothing to be sorry for. This is not your fault, you didn’t ask for this either,” Blaine looks up at him, confused. “It’s true Blaine, you didn’t ask for this to happen to you, it’s not fair to you, either, but you still have to deal with it,” Kurt lets go of his shoulders, takes his hands instead.
“You don’t,” Blaine grips Kurt’s hands hard, like he’s afraid Kurt will walk out that door if he doesn’t hold him here. Which is insane, thinks Kurt, that’s exactly what he’s telling me to do.
“I don’t, but I want to. Blaine, I love you. I love all of you, and this is a part of you right now. I know you fight with it everyday, and I’m so proud of you for that. You’re so strong,” Kurt lifts a hand to Blaine’s face, wipes away the fresh trail of tears, “It’s a struggle Blaine, but it’s not impossible. You will win, and you will recover from this. You’re strong enough to get through this, and on those days you can’t, I’ll be here for you, no matter what,”
Blaine’s face crumpled once more and he falls into Kurt’s chest, fresh sobs wracking his body. Kurt just hugs him back, that’s all he can do right now. He holds Blaine, rubs his back, and kisses his head, waits for him to come back to now.
By the time Blaine’s sobs die down and his breath evens out, they’re lying down in his bed. Blaine’s head on Kurt’s chest, over his heart, trying to match his stuttered breathing with Kurt’s, calming himself down.
“How are you feeling?” Kurt asks quietly, rubbing his hand over Blaine’s back.
Blaine clears his throat, “Um, I’m fin-”
“Don’t lie. It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me, but don’t lie,”
“I don’t know how I feel, I’m tired,” Blaine confesses.
“You’ve been sleeping for quite a while already though, haven’t you? We should do something else, we should get up for a bit,”
Blaine closes his eyes and sighs, rolling off of Kurt, “It’s not that easy, Kurt,” he means to be harsh with his words, but he simply doesn’t have the energy, “Do you think I just don’t realize I need to get up? That’s not what this is, I’m not, it’s not just laziness, I don’t just forget, I can’t-”
“Blaine, Blaine! That’s not what I meant,” Kurt puts a hand on Blaine’s shoulder, urging him to roll back over, to face him, “I’m sorry, I should be more careful with my words. I didn’t mean it like that,”
Blaine lets out a frustrated sigh, “No, I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m being defensive for no reason,” he rolls over and buries his face into Kurt’s side and mumbles something that suspiciously sounds like I wish I could just stop, but Kurt chooses to ignore it.
“It’s okay, you’re allowed. When was the last time you ate? I don’t know about you, but I’m getting hungry,”
“Friday,” Blaine says, his stomach feeling empty and sick, “I don’t think I can eat right now,”
“Friday? That’s not good for you Blaine, you know that. You can’t even try? I was thinking about making pancakes…”
Blaine’s stomach growls and he blushes, looking up at Kurt, “Blueberry pancakes?”
Kurt smiles, leaning in and kissing him, “For you? Anything,”
Blaine smiles back, leaning up for another kiss, and another, “I don’t deserve you,” he murmurs against Kurt’s lips.
“I think you do,” Kurt says, giving Blaine a final peck on the lips and sitting up, “I’m going to make us those pancakes, um, did you want to come with me? You don’t have to, I know my way around your kitchen well enough, I don’t want to pressure you to do anything, I just, yknow, the option’s there, for you. Whatever you want to do,”
“Uh, well, I was, can I just stay here?” Blaine wraps himself further into the blankets, seemingly self conscious.
“Of course, yes. You just stay here and rest some more. I’ll be back soon. We can have breakfast in bed! That would be kind of nice. Did you want syrup or anything?” Kurt wrings his hands nervously, standing by the bed.
“No, just, no, I don’t think I can handle syrup right now. Thank you, Kurt, really.” Blaine can’t even look at him anymore, and Kurt bites his lip.
“Don’t worry about it Blaine, I’m happy to make you pancakes. I love you,” he leans down and gives Blaine a kiss, trying to put all of his feelings into it, and it seems to work, because Blaine doesn’t shy away this time, he kisses back.