A/N: This came out of nowhere, but it needed to be written. I feel a lot better now. That’s the whole point, isn’t it?
They spend the next hour feeding each other pancakes, sharing soft smiles and playful kisses. Kurt could almost pretend this was how the day was supposed to turn out. He could almost imagine that everything was okay now, that things could be fixed with blueberry pancakes and kisses in bed. If it weren’t for the dull look in Blaine’s eyes, the way the smile fell from his face after each kiss, after every bite. The way his eyes were still swollen and red from his crying earlier, the way his bottom lip trembled whenever they fell into silence.
It was almost perfect, except for the fact that underneath it all, it was almost broken.
Kurt sighed, leaning over to place the empty plates on the floor. He turns to Blaine, takes in the way he’s biting his lip, blinking furiously, trying not to fall apart again. “Do you want to talk?” Kurt asks, feelings lost and completely out of his depth.
Blaine shakes his head frantically, tears spilling over, “Can, can you just…?” Blaine chokes on his words, lies down on the bed, facing away from Kurt, his body shaking completely from the effort to control his sobs.
“What Blaine, what do you need? Please, tell me,” Kurt’s half afraid Blaine will ask him to leave. He’s surprised when Blaine reaches back, blindly searching for Kurt’s hand. He finally grabs it and pulls it around to his chest, holding on for dear life.
Kurt finally catches on and settles in behind blaine, wrapping his arm tighter around Blaine’s middle, pressing his nose to the nape of Blaine’s neck, breathing him in. He maneuvers his free arm, under Blaine’s pillow, pulls his body closer and sighs. He doesn’t know if this is what Blaine needs, how it will help or even if it will, but he hopes. He hopes he can give Blaine what he needs right now.
Blaine doesn’t cry hard, or for as long as he did earlier, just little shaking sobs and tears that wont stop falling, no matter what Kurt whispers into his ear. When Blaine does stop crying, Kurt thinks he might have fallen asleep. Which is worrying, because how much can someone possibly sleep? It doesn’t make sense to him.
But he accepts it and thinks that Blaine must need it, so he settles down, snuggles in with his boyfriend, and tries to enjoy the quiet time and the feeling of Blaine’s body warm and pressed close to his.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me…”
The words were so quiet Kurt almost missed them. So Blaine wasn’t sleeping, he had just been caught up in his thoughts all this time. Kurt shifted, letting Blaine know he was awake and listening, but not interrupting him.
“Most of the time I’m okay. It’s not perfect, but I get by, and then sometimes… God, it just comes out of nowhere. Things just get harder and harder and I feel so tired all the time, until finally I end up like this. This… depression I have, it comes and goes, but when it’s here, it’s like, the most devastating, crippling feeling I’ve ever dealt with in my life,”
Kurt can feel Blaine’s heart start to beat faster, he knows he doesn’t talk much about what he’s feeling because it scares him, because it can cause panic attacks. But he can’t stop him now, it feels like Blaine has been wanting to say these words his entire life, so Kurt lets him. He takes Blaine’s hand again, strokes his fingers over the knuckles, places a kiss on his shoulder, urges him on but tries to calm him all at once. He hopes it’s enough.
“And it’s just so frustrating, because this shouldn’t be happening to me anymore. I shouldn’t be like this, it doesn’t make any sense. I have everything I could ever ask for, but it doesn’t seem to matter. It doesn’t matter how happy I am most of the time. All that matters is that sometimes my heart feels really heavy and I get so tired I can’t even move and my brain stops working properly and it turns against me and I just,” his breath hitches, his voice is strained, and Blaine finally says it, “I can’t do this anymore,”
But he doesn’t cry, he doesn’t have any more tears left, he just lies there, his breathing fast and shallow and his head and heart pounding. “I don’t want to be here anymore,” he whispers, “Not like this,”
Kurt’s heart stutters, “Blaine!” he grips his hand tightly, fear rushing through his body, “Don’t say that. You can’t, don’t say things like that, please,”
“I wouldn’t,” Blaine says, brokenly, “do it, I mean. I would never do anything,”
“Why not? You have before,” Kurt whispers back, tears falling freely.
Blaine starts, turns to face Kurt, “How do you know?”
“Cooper told me, when he was here. He told me a lot of things Blaine, how do you think I knew to come? God, you should have told me, you’ve been doing this for so long, all by yourself, I could have been here with you. You didn’t have to be alone, you don’t now, either,” Kurt gripped Blaine’s hands in his, pleading with him.
“I’m sorry,” Blaine says, “I didn’t wanna screw this up,”
“You would never. Blaine, please, never be afraid to ask for what you need in this relationship. You’ve been there for me god knows how many times. You’re always taking care of me and helping me, listening to me when I need it. Let me return the favor. Please, let me be there for you when you need me to,” Kurt leans his forehead against Blaine’s, “You don’t have to do this alone,”
“I don’t know if I can anymore,” Blaine’s holding on just as tight, and Kurt can almost feel the need vibrating off Blaine’s body. It’s like he’s screaming for help.
“You can, Blaine. I believe in you. You are strong and brave and so worth it. You deserve so much more than this, you just have to keep going. Please Blaine, don’t give up yet. Let me help you, it wont be as hard on you if you let me carry some of the weight, right?”
Kurt could tell that Blaine was swaying, he was getting through to him, “Promise me you’ll try again, just once more. Next time you feel this way, call me, tell me right away, and I’ll do my best to help you with it right from the start. Give it one more try, and if by then you still- if you’re still feeling this way, we’ll talk about it some more, okay? Do you promise?”
“You have to promise me, Blaine, it’s so important that you promise,” Kurt was all but begging, he needed Blaine to see, to understand how important this was.
“I promise,” Blaine sighed, “But Kurt, I’m so tired,”
“It’s okay Honey, I know you are, and it’s okay. We can rest for now, we can rest for as long as you need to,” Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine once more, squeezing him tight. It was a little bit uncomfortable, for the both of them, but Kurt needed this and Blaine had never felt so safe.